I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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