god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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