Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
