Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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