I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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