so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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