Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
