mondays should just be called national damage control day
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
