My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
