My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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