You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
