Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
