Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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