i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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