sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
