I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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