3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
