I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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