FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
