DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
