do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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