i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
