Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
