The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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