Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
