it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
