Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
