Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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