i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
