I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
