I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
