Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
