So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
