There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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