Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
