Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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