best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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