I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Randomize
