omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
