Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
