so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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