my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
