Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Don't make out with my wife yet
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
