There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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