someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
