Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
