I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
