dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
