you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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