Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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