when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
