I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we made out on top of his cat.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
