In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
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