Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
