dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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